I have called out for using anti-choice language. When I first came to girl-mom I was very pro-choice as I am now, but I used the wrong terms for anti-choice (pro-life) and the wrong term for late term abortion. I never even realized I was saying it and those two incorrect terms had stuck to me - mostly because it is a lot what you hear in the media, tv, reading, etc... I very much learned from those call-outs and don't use that type of anti-chice language and tell other people when they use those terms as well either on girl-mom or to my family, friends, etc.

the first time i got called out was a couple years ago (and i still remember it!). there was a thread about body acceptance, and people were posting about how damaging the media's perception of women larger than size 1 is, and how they are working to be happy with themselves in spite of that. at the time i was about a size 3, and i felt like they were bashing my body type, and didn't i deserve acceptance too? so i posted that in the thread, it was julie who called me out, and i was one of those ones that doesn't go easy. heh. i tried to attach my skinny-girl issues (like, having people assume i have an eating disorder, or the mean comments from other women, or the disgusting comments from men) into their thread, which wasn't entirely appropriate, at all. i didn't realize (and it took a while for me to see it) that because i had the kind of body that was represented in the media and promoted as how ALL women should look, i had a hell of a lot more privilege than women who are other shapes and sizes. i was so focused on my narrow view and personal experiences, i couldn't understand the scope of an issue such as "body issues" and was saying some really hurtful things in the thread while trying to make the other members validate little privileged me. i didn't understand why i made everyone so upset at first, but i decided to shut the fuck up and just read for a while because no way would people be reacting that way unless i had really hurt them or done something wrong. when i kept my need for self validation and attention of MY issues out of it, i was lucky enough that the others kept posting, and i ended up learning a LOT about being part of a community, the feminist "movement", and what privilege is all about. and now that my body size is MUCH bigger than it was back then, i can see what they were so angry about. heh. and i got called out a few other times over my time spent here, most of it while i was still a mod/admin. heh. really made me learn how important it is to remember who you're talking to, to choose your words carefully, and if you get called out to remember that it isn't you they calling out, it is your attitude regarding that one issue. you can be totally brilliant about a lot of things, but if theres an area in which you were reminded that you need to do some more thinking on before sharing your opinion everywhere, then.. do that. its one of the best ways to grow. i actually wrote a paper on getting called out within feminist communities for a communications in social work class i had a while ago. my prof was impressed with the level of dialogue and unlearning we were doing. you don't see it often in other areas of life (which is prob good in a way) but its pretty invaluable in helping you grow and change, if thats what you're into.

I've been called out, it sucked. I was new to the boards, and I used "retarded" as an insult. I had heard it used so many times and never even questioned before how inappropriate and offensive it was. I got called out very quickly, and I felt like crap. I didn't reply at first, I was thinking "Jeez, I'm so freaking stupid, I bet everyone hates me now.", but I apologized, then made a new post just for my apology, saying I'm sorry I said it and I wouldn't ever use it again, not on the computer or in real life. I kept quiet for a few weeks, but realized that people didn't hate me, that once you apologize people move on and are still just as great to you. It made me realize that the people who called me out weren't against ME but were against what I said, and it let me know the importance of questioning what society teaches you, accepting callouts as a chance for education, and the importance of thinking about what you say before you say it.

This is my story from the other thread, A long time ago I found something that was intended as a supportive article to women who have had miscarriages. At the time, I hadn't seen girlmom and didn't really understand what being pro-choice meant. I joined the boards afterwards. When a girl was having problems after a miscarriage, I posted the article without thinking. Turns out, it was FULL of pro-life sentiments and I got called on it. I take things really personally, and at first I was so upset at being called out. But then I realized that maybe I had hurt feelings, but many more people on the boards felt MUCH worse than that when they read my post. And so, I learned. And that was that. As far as I know, no one ever thought badly about me afterwards. Because this is just one of the many steps in the process of unlearning.

Yep, me too, ive also been called out, how embarrassing! I started a thread about "How did your man propose to you!" Although i only got one response before it was removed i really didnt have an concept of how that would affect single mama's! Erika PMed me saying how that will come across really offencesive, she explained how and why. I felt like such a tit! I didnt realise my privelidge. That was a big..Wake up call for me, and i checked myself after that.

Shit, i meant "How did your PARTNER propose to you!" :oops:

I was called out for several different reasons in the past... and when I say past, I mean 4 years ago... I was a closeminded, ignorant, pro-life "know-it-all" who refused to listen. Who just rebelled upon being called out. I refused to think I was wrong. I thought feminism was about hating men. But after a few disagreements with our angel-mama Alli, I realized that I was being shallow and blind... and I needed to embrace myself and all the values that women hold dear.

i remember my very first post i ever posted and i got called out. big time. it was an all out flame war ( at least thats how it felt to me) for me, i was flaunting priviledge left and right. i was very insecure. i needed to feel like i was a rich mama's with the white picket fence so no one could judge. i didnt realize how much i hurt others who didnt have what i had. i felt like i had to buid myself up so i would look good, then i realized this wasnt a place i had to prove i was a good mother or worthy of having a child. i had alot of learning about judging others and it was here i learned that it was my right to governemnt assistance. i wish we could change societies view of government assistance. girlmom has definately changed my views

x-posted here, with an explanation of where this idea came from. The five stages of grief: * Denial * Anger * Bargaining * Depression * Acceptance We can see how these concepts apply to the way someone reacts to being called-out: --Denial: "What? I'm not racist." "No, that's not what I meant." Girlmoms are shocked to hear others call them racist, sexist, ageist, whatever. We react by denying what's being said to us and refusing to listen. After all, we are marginalized ourselves, right? How could we have prejudice too? --Anger: The denial is quickly followed by anger--we want to blame the person who's confronting us. Why are they so sensitive, so pc? Who is this person anyway, and what makes them so perfect? This is when mamas leave girlmom, because they can't move past this stage. They think everyone's against them, and they get pissed. They insist that they are right, and that the people confronting them just don't understand. They refuse to listen. --Bargaining: When we stick it out through the anger, back off, and try to move forward, we might find ourselves trying to bargain. This came up recently in the cultural appropriation thread, where mamas expressed their concern that others were trying to come up with "loopholes." Bargaining is finding loopholes that undermine the principles of anti-racism. In that case, it was like "well, what about eating chinese food?" and there was an implication that if eating chinese food is okay, where do you draw the line? If you can't draw the line, then how can you say I shouldn't grow a mohawk? --Depression: when you start to realize that what you got called-out on is true, and that you were wrong, you can start to feel like a victim of your upbringing and of society's bigotry. Not only do you feel guilt, you may also feel resigned, apathetic, and just plain sad. The problem can feel too big, too awful, and what can you do about it anyway? You might feel like it's hopeless--no matter how hard you try, you can't expell racism from yourself. Life sucks. --Acceptance: You realize that racism is a fact of life, that you have been caught perpetuating it, and that it was a GOOD thing that you were caught. You understand that becoming anti-racist is a process, and one that has to take place in your every day life. You commit to learning from your mistakes and seeking education, reading, talking, learning as much as you can. Racism is not something you can hide from, you cannot make it disapear, and you are not going to try. Instead, you are going to fight for what you know is right. Obviously, this applies to more than racism, but for the sake of simplicity I used that as an example throughout.

I was called out for improper use of the term "baby." I used it instead of fetus. Sorry. I was more recently called out for asking about resorts girlmoms had been to, or had destination weddings at.

no, yabinti, you weren't called out for asking about destination weddings. you were given advice on other places to look for that kind of information. if you see that as being called out perhaps you should remember that even on political forums that are also safe spaces for certain groups of people, there is such thing as a referral of sorts. go read your other thread again. since i am the one that supposedly called you out, i take offense to you seeing my post that was actually helpful and information as something bigger and more political/dramatic/whatever than it was.

wow, what a crazy cross post. I think yabinti posted this as I was posting a call out for that thread. I thought you were very nice about it, kaya. I was the one being snarky.

hehe yea i noticed that. NOW her post here would apply but before? i mean come on. maybe this bothers me so much because i SHOULD have called her out, but didn't because its just been a shit long day and i'm too tired to think, so hearing that i did when i didn't is just annoying. anyways. getting called out doesn't mean the person doing it is all hatin on you as a person, its just that occasionally we all stray from the mission statement and user guidelines and stuff, and need to be reminded of where we're posting, who is likely reading, and what this site is all about. girlmom isn't always the place for all parts of our lives to be talked about, is another way of looking at it.

I wrote that I feeled called out, because I did feel called out. And yes Kaya, you did give me some great ideas. THanks. But they were overshadowed by.... "This isn't the place." I don't feel that someone has to get snarky with you in order to call you out. And you weren't snarky at all. And maybe GirlMom isn't the place.... that's why I said sorry.

yabinti wrote: I don't feel that someone has to get snarky with you in order to call you out. And you weren't snarky at all. Thank you for not taking it personal. Tone is sometimes hard to portray on the internet so misunderstandings are frequent.

No Problem.

I got called out for freaking out that the fifteen year old girl my bd was sleeping with had recently slept with a "twenty-four year-old homeless, recovering heroin addict." I got called out for "homeless".

One thing that would greatly contribute to this thread, is not only putting down when you've gotten called out - but what you've learned from the situation and what was wrong about what you said or did. A call out is a great chance for education, and a thread about callouts should reflect that to, kwim? There's probably people reading this who may not understand why you were called out over a certain word or phrase, and to help their chances of not repeating it, it would be helpful if the posts contained why you understand that the callout was necessary.

exactly. The point of this thread is making the assumption that getting called out, when responded to appropriately, can lead to better awareness about one's self and the world. We can help other girlmom's deal with the shock of being confronted by showing them that it happens to all of us and that we were able to use the experience to grow and learn. If you are feeling bitter about getting called out (or feeling that you didn't deserve to be called out), this is not the place to post about it. Post here once you've had a chance to reflect on the experience and get something out of it.

I was called out a long while back for posting a link to anti-choice pregnancy testing center in a response to a poster who thought she may be pregnant but couldnt afford a pregnancy test. I couldnt find and planned parenthoods in her area, so I just posted the link to the one I find in her community (which happened to be anti-choice).. in the same thread I also got called out for using "pro-life" instead of anti-choice because I did give a disclaimer in my post regarding the view of the pregnancy center . I didn't mean to hurt anyone, and it wasnt until I was called out that I realized hoe potentially damaging my "help" could have been (the link was removed).. In regards to the language.. I did not realize that I was using incorrect terminology. It was just that it happenned to be the term i was familiar with.. being called out was an opportunity for me to learn the correct term for organizations which oppose abortion, which is anti-choice.

well...i was called out in a rape trigger. i came off sounding "victim blaming" but i was trying to point out that its ok to tell your parents. i wasnt refering to changing the situation in the 1st place. theres nothing that could have changed the situation... im hurt that someone took my comment that way...but i guess i could have worded it differently. but being a rape victim myself and having the courage to tell my parents what had happened really changed my lie. although we didnt have enough evidence to go to court, my parents still fought for justice for me....i really wanted to clear that up in tat form...but i was banned before i could...

Quote:im hurt that someone took my comment that way...but i guess i could have worded it differently. but being a rape victim myself and having the courage to tell my parents what had happened really changed my lie. although we didnt have enough evidence to go to court, my parents still fought for justice for me....i really wanted to clear that up in tat form...but i was banned before i could... I'm really sorry that you were raped, so was I, I was an adult (barely, but still an adult) when it happened, and I couldn't tell my parents, you said parents understand everything, and I have to disagree, I couldn't imagine telling my parents htat I had lied to them and had been raped (which isn't what happened in my case, just saying...) especially when I was still living there.. and as was pointed out in the thread, it really wasn't an appropriate time to bring it up, it couldn't change anything.. kwim?

I was called out in a thread about whether naming a child "Pagan" was offensive. I said I didn't think it was, but it was totally not my place to say that since I am not Pagan. I'm glad I got called out because I hadn't realized at the time how inappropriate it was for me to respond, and it helped to have someone point it out for me.

Vincent15881 wrote:OMG u'r such a n00b. go sit in the corner and be ashamed of yourself. Is this supposed to be funny? Is this an inside joke or something?

It was a troll, Jube

sorry guys, my post was kind of defensive. I realize that adding the term "homeless" was irrelevant. His being homeless was not a distinguishing factor for him being "bad". Thank you for calling me out.

i forgot to explain why i should have been called out ( rather late but i just reread the thread) in my thread i refered to priviledges i had as way to convey my worthiness of being a mother. i didnt understand that by mentioning my earthly posessions i was basically saying if you didnt have all that, then you were less than, and conversely a bad or unworthy parent. i learned to reject societies yardstick of success that is based on priviledge and material posessions. i never knew how ingrained the message was in me till somoene pointed it out. anyways thanks, ive learned alot a girlmom.

one time, many moons ago, i was called out for saying in a post that my "only 18 year old brother" watches my son all the time so i can work. of course, this is GIRLmom, where OBVIOUSLY that kind of wording would be offensive. many VERY good moms, both here and irl are even much younger than that. i was sorry for what i had said, because what i meant had more to do with the idea that my brother should be leading his own life, not taking care of someone else's child (and NOT his actual age). i was very sorry because i hadnt wanted to hurt anyone, but i felt sooooo stupid. i felt like an absolute imbecile. so i left girlmom for a time. i was embarrassed and felt that everyone disliked me. now i look back on it and realized how silly it was for me to feel that way. i mean, its APPARENT why people in this forum would be hurt or offended by that -- this is a safe space for YOUNG moms. i just hadnt been thinking at the time of the post, hadnt considered my wording and how it would affect anyone reading what i had to say. i do apologize, guys. it was an awful thing for me to say.

I have had a history of being called out by people, though not yet on this forum. I used to have a "poor me" attitude about it, and why do people always hold me accountable to this shit and not the assholes around me who do it all the time. And then it hit me, people hold you accountable for things because they respect you, and expect you to change. Its a gift to have people think highly of you enough to be willing to give you that kind of open criticism and know that you will be receptive to it. Though, for a long time I turned that into shame and hated myself, I'm just now learning how to take it and use it as a positive way to see how much I have learned and how much potential I have to grow. I havent gotten called out on this board, yet, though, I'm pretty thorough and open about my opinions, and if theyre worth a damn thing, they will offend someone,somewhere, eventually.

I ve been called out recently and I still kinda feel the sting of it. It took me a few days but now I realize that I was wrong. Also I thought i was just giving an example, so to speak, but really it was just trash of no use I still really want ot apologize Im really sorry, I mean I feel really bad but I dont want to leave girl mom because it feel like home to me.