I feel you. My five year old has done the same stuff, although for us it's gotten better lately. Children often learn to identify with bad behavior, especially when they're using it to get attention. I think best thing you can do is "catch" him being good as often as possible. It might seem hard at first, but praise him for the littlest things that are acceptable behavior. For example, my son was sitting on the floor doing an art project, and I sat down by him and told him he was doing a really good job focusing on his art project, and I was so proud of him for sitting still. This was a good one for him, because he is constantly getting in trouble for not sitting still at school.

For your son, maybe it would be, "I love it when you talk to mommy with such a nice voice" when he says something not unpleasant to you, or "look at how quietly you are sitting and looking at that book! I'm so proud of you." Just try to find any reason you can to show him you're proud of him and give him positive attention. It will help a lot!

Ha! My son is doing this too. He will be four in Decemeber.

I am constantly being told that he dosn't like me, and to go away. He dosn't listen, ever. And it gets soo frusterating. I hate yelling at him, and giving him trouble, but when he is CONSTANTLY doing stuff he knows hes not supposed to be doing, what else do I do?

Julian got sent to bed early last night! Not listening to his swimming teacher!

Its driving me nuts too!

Okay, T is much younger than J, but this sounds so much like our house that I thought I'd chime in. Perhaps this is because I have a younger kid, but I try not to think of it as her disrespecting me. I try to think of it that she's a kid. She has very poor emotional control. She's still learning how to appropriately meet her needs and desires. Coming from that perspective, I try to preemptively help her meet her needs during times that are convenient for me. I will ask her if she needs anything before I start dinner. I carry food, books, and toys with us when we go out so that I don't find myself dealing with a situation where she needs food or something to do while I run my boring adult errands and I have nothing to offer. I also have noticed that when we have a lot of whining in a period that often she wants more of my attention and nurturing: it's less about the specific thing she's whining about and more that she needs more of ME. Outside of the situation, I try to find more opportunities for us to play together, for us to snuggle in the bed and read together, etc...

Also, I try to empathize and validate, even though the fussing and whining get on my nerves. She'll whine that she wants milk right now in the store, and I'll try to keep myself from explaining why I can't give her milk right now and instead focus on commiserating with her as if she were a friend calling up to complain. Sometimes, I make it silly. On the way home from the park today, T whined about how cold she was. Eventually, I got her out of the rut by asking her if she was colder than a snow man, colder than a penguin, etc...

Depending on how emotionally intense the whining or fussing has become, I will sometimes talk to her about how I would like her to speak to me. So, I will ask her to mimic my tone of voice. I will help her find more appropriate words to use. Sometimes, though, particularly when the fussing or whining has gone on for a while, she's too upset to learn. I find it helpful to talk about the correct way to ask for what we need or want and how to express disappointment and frustration appropriately when we're in a situation when everyone's calm, after the situation has passed.

I also think that if he's asking you to leave him alone, he may be asking for space to help himself calm down. T does that a lot. For us, traditional time-outs don't work, because the coercion escalates the situation. Yet, ever since T was little, when I got really angry, I'd lock myself in a room for a few minutes to calm down. T spontaneously started shutting herself in a closet when she's angry. Now, I recommend that she go do it, but I never force it and she's free to come out whenever. Often when she comes out, she is ready to move on.

Anyway, that's what I've been trying to do ever since we had this huge upswing in the "I have you! Go away!" and whining/fussing. T's a lot littler, so I'm not sure how much of this is relevant.

I think it's pretty normal at that age to start with the "I don't like you" stuff. I don't think it's meant to be disrespectful, but a normal stage where they are exploring boundaries and what your reaction to the way they act is going to be.

My five year old gets super angry, yells I hate you (or worse) and then gets over it really quickly. I tend to ignore the mean things that he's said because it's said in anger and he doesn't mean it at all. We talk about how it's really inappropriate to say certain things in certain situations, though, like at school.

My six year old does the I hate you thing as well, but it's a totallly different situation with her. She has a bit of anxiety, and she behaves differently out in public, especially at school. I think that by the time she gets home, she's so tired of acting good and she feels so safe acting out with me, that it feels like she tries to use me as a punching bag to release her stress. It is really deliberate disrespect. Ignoring that would really not be appropriate. I have noticed that with her it gets way worse when her sleep schedule is thrown off.

thanks for the advice. I cannot encouraged j to calm down because when I do it makes it worse. he will kick my walls, throw things in his room, etc. I have expressed to him that I WILL NOT tolerate that behavior and that even if he is expressing his frustration that is not allowed in my house. He does do this on purpose as he will cry and look over at me to make sure im watching. He has become very manipulative lately. playing with his brother and then when things dont go his way running and saying that his brother hit him ( gone even as far as to make his eye or head red to colaborate his story). I will just keeping trucking along with removal of privlages and hope it works. thanks again everyone

I think E and J are right around the same age right? For him, I find it is really helpful to reward good behavior just as much as punishing bad. I agree with MamaButterfly's advice. Also, E at this age is learning a lot about expressing his feelings and saying that certain things hurt his feelings or make him sad or happy or w/e, so if he says something mean to me I tell him that makes me feel sad and it hurts my feelings. I think its helpful for him to remember that yes parents have feelings too! Or like if he gets mad that I didn't do something that he wanted, I'll say "It makes me mad when I can't do what I want to do too."And then explain why we are doing it that way or whatever. Just to let him know that it is okay to feel angry but that its not okay to take out his anger on other people and that its not always about him.

Good luck girl! This age can be really hard!

I wonder if it would help to try to validate his feelings? Search for what he might be feeling rather than focusing on his words. They really are a tragic attempt to convey an emotion. For example, if he begins to melt down in a store, maybe he is feeling bored, overstimulated, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, etc. Instead of getting angry and threatening him, try to sense his emotion and reflect it. If he says he wants you to leave him alone, maybe he is feeling sad or frustrated that things are happening differently than he'd like. The world is terribly frustrating for children. Commiserating and hearing his feelings doesn't necessarily change his reality, but it can change how he feels about it.

With Julian I have been trying to speak to him in a calm manner, when he is doing things he shouldn't be doing and acting out. This is a challenge, as I am generally pissed off/frusterated by that point, so I really have to be mindful of my own approach. I also have been giving him choices "You can either act appropriatly, or you can go to your room to chill out for a bit". This works the majority of the time (not all the time, though).

My kid dosn't respond well to discussing feelings. It makes sense. I really, really hate discussing my own feelings..Just a personality trait we share, I guess.

I have just had to accept that much of his behaviour, also relates to his personality. My son has a lot of energy, likes to be the centre of attention, and gets bored easily. There is not much I can do to actually change these traits...soo I have learned to accept this, and work around them (as much as I want to pull out my hair some days).

I guess there is no perfect solution. Kids are so different, its hard to make a blanket statement, and say any one thing will work for one child. And what works one day, wont work the next.

Good luck. Keep us posted on what you find sucessful.