I am going to say that I completely sympathize with you and I feel your pain. I had to shut the door otherwise it wasn't effective for me. I would make sure that J knew he could come out as soon as he calmed down and after a while he would only cry for minute or so then he would stop and I would be able to talk to him, but there was no talking to him untill he calmed down

When Julian had a tantrum, I always kept my directions to him very short winded. I found that he was to frusterated to listen to what I had to say, so I stuck with "No" "Stop" and "You are going to your room until you can calm down". I usually didn't discuss why he was in trouble, until after he calmed down (generally he knew what he had done).

I closed the door. I had too. With J its a power struggle and he is very stubborn. I would close his door, and when he would calm down, we would talk. His longest tantrum was about an hour. I never give him any recognition if he is tantruming in his room, other than to tell him that when he is calm, we will talk. J did tear his room apart, but I made him put it back together...now he dosn't do that any more.

I think every kid is soo different, though. My kid responds well to this approach, however I could see it scaring the crap out of other kids...however with my kid he needs his own time to chill.

Hmm, maybe I will try the closed door approach again next time. I'm thinking maybe I'll let her cool down for a bit and then we can clean up the mess together afterwards, but not right away. Because generally if she is overtired she is super easy to set off, she will just start up right again. But if I wait a bit she can talk totally calmly afterwards about what happened.

Yeah, the over-tired thing is definatly not helpful. My son gets like that sometimes, and I let more things "slide" when he is over-tired....its not always worth the fight. It's sad when they get like that....becuase I know myself, if I am over-tired, I can get cranky and miserable, and I wouldn't want to get punished for it (althought, I dont hall off and slap/bite/pinch and throw myself on the ground, they way a toddler will.).

Toddlers can be a friggen treat sometimes!

Why is it important that she not be around you when she's having a tantrum? I personally stay with my child during a tantrum even if she's aggressive. I'm bigger and can keep her from hurting me. For my kid, I believe that she has tantrums when she has completely lost control. I don't expect her to be able to calm herself down anymore than I expect her to calm herself down at night. I also don't have much expectation that she will follow any directions I give. If she can't have a tantrum somewhere (either it's unsafe or I want us to be somewhere more private), I pick her up and move her.

I do think your DD is older (mine's 2.5), though, so maybe my strategy isn't appropriate for her.

My kids would always destroy the room if I closed the door during a time out, and it would escalate into a huge power struggle over cleaning up the room. No fun.

I make my son sit right where I can see him, ussually at the bottom of the steps. If he gets up I say, "That's another minute!" He cries, but he stays there until I tell him he can get up. By that time he's calm enough that we can talk about why he got in trouble.

For my daughter, it worked a lot better to take a toy away for a little while until she stayed where I told her and we had talked. If one toy didn't work I'd take another, and it worked really well. Now that she's older, she loses privaleges, and occassionally gets grounded. She still tantrums, just for different reasons, and in different ways.

Hmm. It's kind of interesting to see the different approaches people take to tantrums and how they work for their families. The last 2 posts kind of contrast that way. I strongly believe that no one approach will work for all children, so I don't want to limit myself too much because for all I know what works today will not work tomorrow or with the next kid at all, YK?

But I guess my approach is based on.
I want her to be away from me if she's aggressive because I believe in natural consequences: if you hit/kick/bite/push someone, they will not want to play with you. And also because if she's that out of control I know she will continue to be violent, and I don't want to set up a situation where she can hurt anyone (including me!). And, if you throw things when you have a tantrum, you're gonna have to pick them up afterwards. That's how life goes, YK? It's OK for me to get super pissed and run off and scream into my pillow and cry, but if I'm going to hit someone or throw shit then I'm going to have to deal with the aftermath. I guess that's why I want her to learn to remove herself from the situation if she feels like she's losing it.
I don't often use punishments in any area of her life and I try to avoid rewards to (though I'm not above the occasional bribe ), we mostly just use natural consequences. Not that I wouldn't ever use them, and I mean def. if other things weren't working I would give them a shot. But I do think where she is right now if I were to try to punish her like with time outs or taking away toys, she would just freak out more and it would go on and on. I mean that kid can go! LOL!

I should have mentioned her age. She'll be 3.5 next month.

She's normally doesn't tantrum much at all, like she has daily mild ones that she gets over super fast. It's only been this past week or 2 she's been really losing it and getting really violent.

Forgot to say thanks to everyone for the advice!

I don't do time outs, or really any sort of punishment. If *he's throwing a tantrum, I distract him, if distraction doesn't work, I comfort him. If I were that legitimately upset about something and I had someone take a blase attitude about it, I think I'd get worked up more, so I try not to dismiss their natural feelings and reactions as something I'm annoyed with or something not allowed. Before I explain anything, I calm him down, tons of cuddles, some hugs, telling him "I know, you're mad sweetie, it's okay". After a few minutes of loving, he calms down, but I still stick to my guns and say "I know it sucks hon, but you still can't have/do that, but lets grab this/lets do this instead", and redirect to something else so the focus isn't on what he can't have/do.

Ah, 3.5. I remember that age. That's the age I almost wished they'd make playpens that no child could get out of.

Seriously though, it sounds like you're already doing the right thing. Doesn't make it easy though. Three year olds have more energy than anyone else on the planet. And it's frustrating to be little and not always get what you want.

We are struggling with hitting the past few weeks too.

I know that there has been a ton of stuff going on that is really hard on a little kid, lots of people have been visiting and leaving, school is around the corner, I'm stressed about getting my teeth out and I've been dealing with all the mouth pain and stress plus a sinus infection. I know WHY he's stressed but it is still hard to deal with his responses.

We are trying to avoid tantrums by being responsible towards him, like trying to make sure his schedule isn't too interrupted- like that he still gets to nap at the same time, eat at the same time and have time where he is just with my partner and I in a relaxing environment. That can be so hard to do though when there is family in town and wonky orientation schedules/work schedules and what not.

Even if he is stressed out and his reactions are understandable, I feel like I have to give him a reaction when he responds in an unacceptable way. Hitting is not ok, especially because he hits hard. When he hits someone who is not us, we pick him up and leave the situation. When he hits us we ideally want to use redirection. If he is at the point where he is hitting it is because he is so far from rationality that we can't use reasoning or taking things away to make him stop. We are definitely in the process of figuring out what works, but I think prevention is really the key.