**If this needs moved, please do. I have no idea what this falls into**
Also, excuse if this is jumbled. I am still sorting out my thoughts, so I apologize if this is confusing.
So, I am wondering how young mamas balance everything- or even include certain things like hanging out with friends (esp those without kids) or dating in your life. I have not dated at all since having children and actually... maybe not ever. Granted, my situation is a little strange as I still live with my children's father (who does date guys and there is a huge imbalance in what he "can" do and what I "can" do)
I mean, how do you meet people? And I don't just mean people to date, I mean friends too. I started a couple of play groups when my first was a baby and those were great for a while and then it got kind of shitty. It just became very unsatisfying hanging out with 30 somethings whose asshole husbands handled all things financial and who were just kind of boring yuppies (not to mention one of them, who was closest to me, said people shouldn't have children unless they can afford them!). I would love to hang out with more people my age- with or without kids. And I do have friends and I'm making more as I get further into school (it's my 1st semester). I would like to date as well, but it's like HOW? How do you find time? How do you explain the child thing, how does it work? I mean...I was with my children's father on and off since I was 14, so I missed out on the whole dating thing and now I'm even more clueless with added complications (schedule wise, etc). Plus, there's a feeling of guilt in leaving my children to go out after classes or work or at night when I hardly see them during the day as it (a lot of this comes from their father I'm sure. He can go out, date, do whatever, but if I even grab coffee after school he'll ring me off the hook).
Also, I guess it's also not just about balancing relationships and time spent with others, it's also doing interesting things and having hobbies- going to films, art shows, concerts, I go to sweat lodges, I being involved in activist happenings ( I really want to get involved in my school's LGBTQA and their Center for Women Students- and see if they have groups with student mamas and if not start one). But there are only 24 hours in a day and I love my children, I love school...work sucks most of the time haha, but you know these are top priorities, but I deserve an active, vibrant social life, correct?
I'm going out tonight with a friend whose been wanting to take me out since I turned 21 a month ago and I just I'm not sure how I feel about it. I went out over spring break (over my Bday) a lot and had fun...but it's hard to shake that feeling of responsibility, that feeling that part of you is not there?
So what are your social lives like? How do you balance it all out? How do you date and even meet people to date?
Thanks!
I'm not much help on the
I'm not much help on the dating end of things, but I think in terms of social life a good idea is to find like-minded mamas (I met some at LLL and babywearing get-togethers, maybe see if there are any feminist mothers' groups in your area? see if you meet any students mamas at school... etc) and invite them to hang out, and the key IME is to do it with the kids, so that you don't have to juggle child care. And then if you get lucky and over time score a couple of good friends, you might feel OK exchanging childcare for the times that you do want to get out there and party or date. Easier said than done, I realize.
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Just wanted to say as well, just reading about all the balls you have in the air right now makes me tired. I don't know if I could do it. Just wanted to say you sound like a strong person, I'm sure there are lots of people out there who would be honoured to have a friend or partner like you.
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"The words are being spoken now, are being written down; the taboos are being broken, the masks of motherhood are cracking through." Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born
my situation is a bit
my situation is a bit different than yours hun but when me and my husband want a night to ourselves we let our daughter spend a night or two with either my mother or his mother... i know that can be difficult but the way i have looked at it is that at least she is getting to spend time with her grandparents... i still feel that sense of responsibility that makes me wanna run home and get her and take her home with me but i've come to terms with it (so far)... i'm also assuming that whenever you go out after school you leave the kids with their dad? if that's the case then i would see if your mother wouldn't mind keeping them one night a week for you to have "mommy" time, grab a couple of girlfriends and head out to a club or something to have a little bit of fun, and in my opinion if their father is ragging on you about what you do then that's just not right... if he can go out and do all this stuff and then turn around and tells you that you can't that's not only being a hypocrite but its also wrong and not fair to you... just because you're a young mother doesn't mean that you can't go out every once in a while and have fun with some friends or even just go to the library after school and enjoy some quiet time reading a book... with me and my husband we have a set night every weekend that allows our daughter to go spend the night with either mine or his mother and we get our alone time... also if i were in your situation as far as the dating thing goes, i would tell the guy on the first date that you have kids, and if he wants to stick around great if not then thats fine too, i'll be the first to admit that whenever a guy meets a woman who has kids he runs in the opposite direction, i dont know why but they do... and its not just young mothers either its all women who have kids, men seem to be afraid of us or something, or don't want to be tied down with kids, like i said i dont have a clue as to what goes on in their head... but anyways i got off topic lol, if you want to go out with friends one night a week, see if your mother would be interested in keeping them for you (and if she asks why like my mother did then just tell her that you would like to have some "mommy" time to yourself and wind down from the past week) just have them spend the night with her and then you have a whole night for "mommy" time and can wind down from everything, meet new people closer to your age, and even possibly get a date or two in the process... i hope this helps out, like i said in the beginning our situation is a bit different but i do could possibly work for you too... i hope everything works out hun and if you need anything just post here or email me...
proud mama as of june 2nd 2007
Juggling was super hard when
Juggling was super hard when Cae was younger, but it has gotten easier as he's gotten older, that being said I pretty much never go out. But I do have a good social life. We have a lot of potlucks at our house and we go hang out at coffee shops together. We also go to the playground and meet other moms and dads there.
Maybe you and your bd could come up with a schedule. Like Fridays are his responsibility and Saturdays are yours. Would he be willing to do that? Also as for dating I feel like when I was really looking to date it never happened. Then I stopped looking and all of a sudden I was in a long term relationship that is going on two years.
Good luck.
I have very similar
I have very similar problems. it's gotten a bit easier for me now because I'm out of school and my daughter's older now... but at the same time it's still hard because there's a lot of years I've been out of practice.
my advice is to make getting out a priority. i know its hard. i know you've got a million other very important things pressing for your attention, but it's so important that you do it. it's important for you and your kids. get bd to take the kids one night a week, maybe your parents? or find a babysitter, or something. make a point to plan it and put it in your schedule or else it will never happen.
trust me you don't want to get like me having these same problems at 29
Thanks you guys! My life is
Thanks you guys!
My life is a bit more complicated in that the boy's father works Fri an Sat nights. My mom lives in town, but she's not well mentally. She has her masters and a good job(work is like the only thing she actually functions for/at) at the university that thankfully gets me a 75% at the most expensive state school in the US, but she has a lot of different mental illlnesses and it's been made worse by the fact that my dad left her Christmas 2007 for a porn star he met on internet, so I really can't trust her with the boys.
And ironically enough, the playgroup I started is an attachment parenting group. All the people in it just kind of suck. And I started a potluck group for families interested in whole, local foods, but that ended up being all the same people. So I am just on hiatus.
Anyway, I guess my life is just drama, drama, drama! And it's busy. I think maybe once things settle more I'll have a more vibrant social life- not that mine is awful, it's just...I am not even sure. I have a foot in two worlds- 21 yr old working student and mama to two boys.