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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

My mother loves her granddaughter and she feels very ashamed of her, too. She keeps my daughter a secret from her co-workers. She'll invite me to ride the train home with her and then pretend that we're strangers in public because a co-worker got on the same train as us. Sometimes, she makes us walk apart and hurry through certain places in case one of her co-workers might pass us.

I wonder when my daughter will understand what is going on. To be honest, I sort of thought my mother would have gotten over this by now - my daughter is eight and a half months old. I want my daughter to grow up confident. I want my daughter to grow up unaware of the shame my grandmother feels about her. To be honest, if I ran the world, I would make my mother not feel ashamed of her, period.

Does anyone else's parents act like this?

My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

WOw that is a bit harsh. My Dad is similar though but not too that extent. He will avoid being seen by work colleagues who don't know about his unwed daughter who had not one baby but two and within the space of a year. I fully understand where you are coming from but I see it as his problem not mine. He never even told his own brothers (my uncles) that I had DD#1 and he got me too tell one of them by turning up at his house when one of them was there but conviently my dad was not. My uncle was extremely mad and pissed off at my dad for not telling him. Needless to say my dad hasn't learnt his lesson because this brother doesn't know about DD#2. He avoids telling people because he is scared what they will think of him and it is stupid that he lets what other people think get to him and just like your mum he absolutely loves his grandkids but this is just how he is and I don't know what I can do either. And I can't talk to him as he hates being put on the spot and isn't every open and he will be extremely embarrassed etc.
  • By chatterbox at 11/07/2007 - 3:39pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

Wow that's hard. My parents aren't like that but I just wanted to let you know I'm sorry your mom feels she has to act like that. Have you tried talking to her about it? I hope things get better for you.
  • By mamatessa at 11/07/2007 - 3:47pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

That is hard. I'm sorry that she's treating you this way. That's not fair. I was going to ask the same thing. ^^ Have you ever talked to her about it? Have you told her how you think this will affect T?
  • By thenewgurl at 11/07/2007 - 3:58pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

Oh, my god that is awful. I'm so sorry she treats you like that, she has no right to. I think the first thing to do is sit her down about it. Maybe tell her that if that's the way she's acting, YOU are embarrassed to be around HER and you won't be going anywhere with her if that's how she's going to act in public. Or, you could just call her out right there in the train. She wants to play the stranger game, walk up and introduce yourself to whoever she's talking to, and say "and here's her pretty little grandbaby!" But that might create more problems, so take that with a grain of salt. Definitely talk to her, and if you can, try and not go out with her if she wants to be such a jerk about the whole thing.
  • By mamamayhem at 11/07/2007 - 5:07pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

I'm sorry Hun. I don't have much advice... but know that it's your Mom who lives in denial.... AKA in a lie..... and that SHE is the one who is missing out on both you and your daughter.
  • By Yabinti at 11/07/2007 - 5:11pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

I'm sorry she does that to you and your daughter. That's absolutely wrong in so many ways. It is her problem, and you shouldn't have to hide yourself or your daughter. There's nothing for her to be ashamed of, you are an amazing person and an amazing mama with a wonderful little girl.
  • By CanadianMamma at 11/07/2007 - 5:12pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

That is really really unfair, and i understand why you worry about how it will affect your daughter in the future. I know it is probably really difficult, but i think its important that you talk to her about it (if you havent already) and let her know how it makes you feel and ask her to stop making an effort to keep it a secret. Remember that if she is choosing to play the "stranger game" in public, it doesnt mean that you have to and if you dont it will probably become so difficult for her to keep up the secret that she will eventually just give up on it. That is a really disrespectful thing for you mom to do and i really feel for you, it is completely her issue and not yours, i hope you know that.
  • By Michelle at 11/07/2007 - 8:04pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

Wow thats a lot to handle. Im sorry you handle that. My parents dont do that. But i think personally if they did i wouldnt want to be around them. You should be proud of you and your daughter and how well your raising her. If she sees confidence in you, shell be confident. Smile
  • By kell82504 at 11/08/2007 - 6:07am
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

That's not cool of her to do that. Have you said anything to her? I know when my daughter was born, it was in the birthing announcements in the paper and a lot of people would ask my mom, "Is that your Heather in the paper?" Huge emphasis on the "omg ... not married!" bull shit. You and your daughter don't deserve that from her. Your mom shouldn't be ashamed of you or your daughter.
  • By ramonegirl at 11/08/2007 - 6:59am
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

My brother found out I had been pregnant when I showed up at a Holiday with a one month old and a now ex-husband. My mom was embarrassed and either didn't tell people or told me to lie about my age to family members. My grandma lives with them and she found out my younger sister was pregnant when she came home with a baby. She's 5 months pregnant again and my grandma has no idea. It is not right how your mom is acting. I would call her out on it and tell her she can be involved in your life when she is ready to accept her granddaughter and be proud of her.
  • By adcaela at 11/08/2007 - 11:54am
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

what is the issue for her? i don't know if i understand. is everyone else's assumption correct, that you were young/not married when you had her?
  • By Amy Rox at 11/08/2007 - 12:07pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

Amy Rox wrote:what is the issue for her? i don't know if i understand. is everyone else's assumption correct, that you were young/not married when you had her? Yeah, it's mostly that I'm not married that she does this. When I've tried to talk about it, she talks about how she worries that her boss (who doesn't even live in this state and she sees only a couple of times a year) will find out and punish her. To be honest, that might be true, but I have a lot of skepticism about that. She also thought that no landlord would sign a lease to an unmarried couple, but when we looked at apartments, no one had an issue with our marital status. And she has wanted me to hide it before: she demanded that T be baptized, but when I agreed, even though the pastor generally baptizes babies during the normal sermon, my mother convinced him to baptized T privately. No one from her work goes to their church. I kind of suspect that this is just her own moral judgments that she projects upon others.
  • By boigrrrlwonder at 11/08/2007 - 2:37pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

That's just silly. In today's world most people live unmarried in long term relationships, common law marriges. Divorce has become sky high, and people are scared of it so they just don't get married. I think I would just announce it to everyone so she has no reason to hide it anymore. But that's just me.
  • By mamatessa at 11/08/2007 - 7:53pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

ian&aidansmama wrote:That's just silly. In today's world most people live unmarried in long term relationships, common law marriges. Divorce has become sky high, and people are scared of it so they just don't get married. I think I would just announce it to everyone so she has no reason to hide it anymore. But that's just me. I totally agree with her... Alot of mothers are not married and do not have a boyfriend and plan on raising their children by theirselves. I think that you should try to talk to your mother, and hopefully, she will eventually get over it.
  • By pinismanow at 11/08/2007 - 7:56pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

I was kinda thinking the same thing, but I know I live in kind of a plastic bubble here in the pacific northwest.
  • By MamaButterfly at 11/08/2007 - 10:37pm
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

My mom has never been taht bad but she does have some issues. She likes top tell me how hard it was for her all the time and when SO and I had a secret quickie marriage (mostly to avoid her ruining my day) she said "well I'm not gonna tell anyone right now". Basically I just try to remind myself its her issue but its a bummer that she can't be a better person. And by the way when people find out (and they will) about you and the babe- it makes her look like an ass. When I tell people about my moms response to my wedding for instance it doesn't make me look like the "bad guy". It does however help people understand why I wouldn't want my mom at my wedding.
  • By sherylsue at 11/14/2007 - 5:41am
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

my mother is like that. yesterday she told me she doesnt feel like a grandmother because jayden is black and it bothers her. my mother wont even come to the park with us to play because she is so embarressed. i am so sorry you have to deal with this. it hurts and it makes me cry alot, i am here to talk if you ever need it just pm me.
  • By momtobe19 at 11/21/2007 - 8:20am
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My Mother Snubbing Us in Public

momtobe19 wrote:my mother is like that. yesterday she told me she doesnt feel like a grandmother because jayden is black and it bothers her. my mother wont even come to the park with us to play because she is so embarressed. i am so sorry you have to deal with this. it hurts and it makes me cry alot, i am here to talk if you ever need it just pm me. damn. She doesn't deserve to be that little boys grandma saying shit like that. I know it hurts because she is your mom, but that is cold blooded and he'll probably do better without her in his life if that's her attitude.
  • By rosie at 11/21/2007 - 9:49am
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