Relationship violence checklist:
Does your partner:
--Control where you go and what you do?
--Constantly criticize you and you abilities as a spouse, partner, parent or employee?
--Behave in an overly protective manner?
--Threaten to hurt you, your children, pets, family members, friends or him/herself?
--Suddenly get angry or lose his/her temper?
--Destroy your personal property?
--Punch, slap, kick, shove, or bite you?
--Prevent you from working or attending school?
--Deny you access to family assets such as bank accounts, credit cards, or car?
--Give you an "allowance" and insist that you account for what you spend?
--Force you to have sex against your will?
--Insult you or call you names?
--Use intimidation or manipulation to control you or your children?
--Humiliate you or your kids in front of others?
--Turn minor incidents into major arguments?
--Blames his/her behavior on you, his/her temper, stress, and drugs/alcohol?
--If he does, chances are you need a safety plan. Don’t know what that is?

Need some help to think of the things you will really need? Keep reading…

A safety plan is a plan of action to enable you to leave your abusive situation.

Here are some important things to think about at first.
--Decide ahead of time where you will go and how you will get there the next time he/she becomes violent.
--Plan an escape route out of your home and teach it to your children.
--Leave $20+, all-important documents, an extra set of car keys and extra clothing hidden outside your house or at a neighbor's.
--Tell someone you trust about the violence. Develop friendships with neighbors. Ask them to call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from your house.
--Develop a code word with your children, neighbors and friends that lets them know you need to get out immediately.
--Let your children's teachers and school principals know enough about your situation so that they can respond supportively in a crisis.
--During an abusive episode, try to avoid being cornered in a place where there are weapons or sharp or heavy objects.
--Do not try to fight back if he/she seems to be "building up", especially if he's drunk or using drugs. Instead, get out of the house. If you cannot leave safely, keep your back towards an open space, not a corner.
--Go to rooms with doors/windows for escape.
--If you leave, take your children.
--If violence erupts, try to stay near a phone. Call 911 to report any incident of violence.
--Set Up Your Own P.O. Box. Open your own post office box and reroute all important documents (paychecks, food stamps, etc.)
--Set Up Your Own Account. Open a savings account in your own name to establish or increase your independence. – even if this means that you have to “hide” money from him
--Before you leave you need to prepare, you can by doing some or all of the following.
--Be Ready To Call. Keep the shelter phone number with you at all times. Also, keep spare change or a calling card with you for any other phone calls you may need to make.
-- Memorize Your Plan. Review your safety plan as often as possible in order to plan the safest way to leave your batterer.
Checklist. Things you should take with you when you leave:
Identification - medical records
Driver’s license - birth certificate
Money - leases, deeds
Bank books - checkbooks
Insurance papers - house / car keys
Medications
Address book
Social Security cards - welfare ID
School records - work permits
Green card - passport
Divorce papers - jewelry
Children’s small toys - saleable objects
Pictures (of abuser & any injuries sustained)—ask your trusted friend or neighbor to help you get pictures, so when you press charges you have proof.

Make sure someone where you go to school and/or work knows what is going on. Tell them all the information so that they can protect you also. Have someone walk you to and from your car if at all possible. If you think you are being followed drive to the nearest police station. File a protective or restraining order. Keep the order with you at all times. Inform EVERYONE about the order. And most importantly: DO NOT BE AFRAID TO CALL THE POLICE AND/OR A SHELTER.

If you need help call the 24 hr national domestic violence hotline, it will ring in your local dv shelter, and some one will help you

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

More signs of abuse:

1. 'Jeckel and Hyde behavior': Your partner is wonderful and caring for a while and then will do an about face and be angry about things that they thought were fine at an earlier time. They switch back and forth between behaviors for no apparent reason.

2. 'Life Would be so Good If': You frequently think that your relationship would be perfect if not for his or her emotional storms. The storms seem to be coming more and more frequently. Between times, life is wonderful, but when a storm is coming you can often tell by that 'Walking on Eggs Feeling'.

3. 'That Walking On Eggs Feeling': You feel at times that any action on your part will cause your partner to erupt into anger. You try to do everything you can think of to avoid it, but the longer the feeling goes on, the more likely the blowup will happen, no matter what you do.

4. 'I Can't Stand You, But You Better Not Leave': Your partner keeps telling you that you aren't worth having a relationship with, but will not consider breaking off the relationship. Acts more outrageously when he or she finds out you are attempting to leave the relationship.

5. 'So Much, So Fast': Your partner just met you and doesn't know much about you, but he or she has to have you, so you must commit now.

6. 'It's You That's the Problem': Your partner never seems to consider his or her own part in your domestic disputes. You get blamed for all problems because of the most ridiculous things.

7. 'This Happened to Me and It's All Your Fault': You are blamed for your partners problems even when it was his or her responsibility to not make mistakes. This could be things like him or her not getting to work on time and getting in trouble, not getting a job, not paying the bills in a timely manner, etc.

8. 'It's Their Fault': Your partner is never the cause of his own problems, if it's not your fault, it was somebody else's.

9. 'Overreacting': Your partner way overreacts to little irritations. Small offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste cause him or her to have huge anger scenes or act out in an outrageous manner.

10. 'I Will Get You for That': Your partner doesn't try to negotiate a better relationship, but retaliates by doing something to you that he or she knows will hurt you emotionally.

11. 'All the Fights are about What I Do Wrong': You never seem to be able to talk about his or her wrong actions, the discussion seems to always be about what you did wrong and there seems to be always something new that you did wrong.

12. 'You are Worthless': Your partner keeps telling you that all your problems are because you can't manage to do anything right.

13. 'Unrealistic Expectations': Your partner is dependent on you for all his/her needs and expects you to be the perfect mate, lover and friend. You are expected to meet all of his/her needs.

14. 'Blames Others for His/Her Feelings': You are told, "You make me mad," "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask,: or "I can't help being angry".

15. 'Intense Jealousy': Your partner tells you that expressing jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity not love. You are questioned about who you talk to and you may frequently receive calls or unexpected visits during the day.

16. 'Isolation': He or She have attempted to cut off your family, friends, and independent financial resources. Your friends and family are put down and you are put down for socializing with them. You or they are accused of ridiculous motives.

Abusive people have problems with handling anger. They try to control their environment with aggressive behavior, not assertive behavior.

Aggressive behavior is characterized by:

Asserting his or her own rights at the expense of others. Engages in inappropriate outbursts or badly overreacts. Intent is to humiliate or to get even, to put down others. Feels superior to others. Verbal behavior of interrupting, threats, uses name calling, demands, put-downs - judgmental. Saves up anger and resentment and uses them to justify later blowups.

Assertive behavior is characterized by:

Standing up for legitimate rights in a way that does not violate rights of others. Emotionally honest, direct, expressive. Works to enhance self. Confident, feels good about him or herself now and later. Verbal behavior of direct statements, "I" statements (I think, I feel, I want). Speaks in cooperative terms (let's, how can we). Statements of interest (what do you think?). Values him or herself and others, needs are met. Owns his or her own behavior.

References:

Family Advocacy handout

"Learning to Live without Violence"

by Daniel Jay Sonkin Ph.D. Michael Durphy, M.D.

Once you leave, how to stay safe:

Change the locks on the doors and windows. Install a peephole in the door. Change the locks on your garage and mailbox.

Teach your children to tell you if someone is at the door and to not answer the door themselves.

Keep your restraining order near you at all times.

Make sure that the school, daycare, and police have a copy of all court orders, including restraining orders, custody and access orders, as well as a picture of the abusive partner.

If possible, try to predict the next likely violent incident and be prepared.

If you have call display on your phone, be careful about who can get access to the stored numbers (example, last number dialed, etc.)

Have your telephone number unpublished, as it is harder to track than when it is unlisted. Block your number when calling out.

Consider getting a cell phone and pre-program numbers of people to call.

Consider moving your furniture around differently as this is something your partner may not anticipate, and cause him or her to bump into it and give you warning that he or she is in the house. Also put your kitchen utensils and knife block in the cupboards so they are not as accessible.

If you live in an apartment, check the floor clearly when getting off the elevator. Look in mirrors and be aware of doorways in the hallways. Speak to security, or make an anonymous call, requesting safety in your building.

Purchase rope ladders to be used for escare from upper floors.

If you have a balcony, consider putting wire around it.

Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors if possible.

Install smoke detectos and fire extinguishers for each floor.

Consider the advantages of getting a guard dog.

Install an outside lighting system that lights up when someone is coming close to your house.

Do whatever you can to install security systems, including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against doors, an electronic system, etc. Anything to provide added security.

If you are concerned about your animals, ask the local sheltar.

In The Neighborhood:

Tell your neighbors that you would like them to call the police if they hear a fight or screaming in your home.

Tell people who take care of your children, which people have permission to pick up your children.

Tell people in your neighbourhood that your partner no longer lives with ou and they should call the police if he or she is seen near your home. You may wish to give them a photo and description of him or her and of their car.

Ask your neighbours to look after your children in an emergency.

Hide clothing and your Emergency Escape Plan items at a neighbour's house.

Use different grocery stores and shopping malls, and shop at hours that are different from when you were living with your abusive partner.

Use a different bank or branch, and take care of your banking at hours different from those you used with your abusive partner.

Change your doctor, dentist and other professional services you would normally use.

Do not put your name in your apartment building directory.

Child's Safety Plan:

Stress the importance of being safe, and that it is not the child's responsibility to make sure that his or her mother is safe.

Have your child pick a safe room/place in the house, preferably with a lock on the door and a phone. The first step of any plan is for the children to get out of the room where the abuse is occuring.

Teach your children how to call for help. It is important that children know they should not use a phone that is in view of the abuser. This puts them at risk. Talk to your children about using a neighbour's phone, or a pay phone if they are unable to use a phone at home. If you have a cell phone, teach your children how to use it. Instruct children not to hang-up the cell phone to ensure the police can locate them.

Teach your children about Neighbourhood Block Parents, if available and how to use them.

Teach them how to contact police at the emergency number.

Ensure that the children know their full name and address (Rural children need to know their concession and lot#)

Rehearse what your child will say when they call for help.

Example:
Dail 911, operator will say "Police, Fire, Ambulance"
You child says "Police"
Then your child says "My name is ____
I am ____ years old. I need help. Send the police. Someone is hurting my mom. The Address here is ____. The phone number here is _____."

Teach your children the safest route to the planned place of safety for them.

Pick a safe place to meet your children, out of the home, after the situation is safe for you and them.

From: "Creating a Safety Plan" by The Family Counselling Centre in St. Catherines Ontario