I think I need to go back on anti-depressants. I've been off them for about 2 yrs now, but I've been under so much stress lately that I seriously feel like I'm going to crack any day now. I think I'm trying to take on too much at once. I work and go to school and between those, I have a no time for a life or to take care of my health. I started off the semester with a postive, "I can totally handle this" attitude and now I feel like I can't handle this. I'm so behind on my schoolwork.

I have absolutely no patience with my son these days. I often can't stand to be in the same room with him and his normal sound-effects and 4yr behaviors irritate me so much that I snap and find myself constantly yelling at him. I know that it hurts him and then I feel so guilty afterwards that I feel worse. I dread being around him because I know I'm going to be annoyed by him and in turn snap at him. It's a vicious, reptative cycle. He's 4 and not in pre-school yet which I'm stressed about. With my school and work schedule, I have no way to get him there and pick him up! I don't know what do do. His BD goes to work at 4:30am so he can't take him and he finishes work at 4pm and most pre-schools end before then. My mom doesn't have a car right now.

I'm stressed about everything. My boyfriend wants to go back to school next semester so he'll have to quit one of his jobs and with me going to school we've already been making less money.

I'm worried about damaging my son's emotions with my outbursts at him and rejecting him. I know it hurts him. According to my developmental psych book, I'm going to give my son lifelong issues.

I think I need therapy and anti-depressents, but with my busy schedule, I don't know how I'd find time to see a therapist.

Lately I often wonder what it would be like to just not wake up. I'm not seriously contemplating suicide or anything, but my life just seems to be going nowhere. I've been through a lot of shit and I don't see that pattern ending anytime soon. It's just one thing after another. I feel like I've been taking psychological beatings my whole life and the bruises have never fully healed.

Some nights I just breakdown and cry myself to sleep. I hate my life and I feel like I'm ruining my sons. My boyfriend hates when I get emotional like this and it causes him to pull away (and I don't blame him). I try to put on a happy face around my friends, but the truth is I'd rather avoid them. It takes so much energy to be around them and pretend I'm not a crazy, messed up person.

I don't know why I'm posting this really, but I guess I needed to let it out. I know I need help and I intend to find a therapist and schedule msyelf an appointment.